Grief and Loss

 

Grief is not just a response to the death of a loved one.  Significant relationship loss usually also triggers a grief response.  Often the grief experienced related to the loss of a loved one is only the tip of the iceberg.  Many other grief responses present to the griever when processing loss that are not directly related to the death loss but are triggered by the emotional turmoil he or she is experiencing.  Stephen Levine and Judith Viorst highlight other aspects of life and losing that create grief.  Grief is both a universal and unique experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GRIEF and LOSS

Grief is our response to a major loss.  It is both universal and unique.  How we experience subsequent changes in mind, mood, and body is our grieving.  Whereas, the way we express it outwardly among others and in society reflects our mourning.  Each culture makes certain assumptions about how we are supposed to heal from our grief, what it looks like…how long it will take to move through it in order to return to a sense of normalcy.

In particular, implied in American culture, we should grieve quietly, quickly, and efficiently in an orderly and timely fashion.  In reality the grief journey is very complex and often complicated due to experiencing other unresolved or unacknowledged losses triggered by a recent major one.  Grieving requires a lot of time, energy, and a willingness to travel a sometimes mentally conflicting and emotionally confusing path back to a sense of normalcy, which often becomes a ‘new normal’.  The times of sobbing, disorientation, anger, protest, depression, guilt, and ambivalence do not allow us to grieve in an easy or clean manner.  Nor do they allow us to move from one phase to another in a linear fashion.  Ultimately, grief is unique to each of us though we may experience some facets commonly described by others grieving.

Our grieving may take on any number of forms as it shows up in us – physically – emotionally – mentally – spiritually – socially. Unfortunately, too often people associate their grief with a very narrow spectrum of expression.  This can and does create anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame.  It is important to keep in mind that grief may not ‘look’ or ‘feel’ like we imagined.  This is one reason why it is so important that we accept any and all thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise in our mind, heart, and body during our grief journey.

The unique ways we express our grief are often influenced by what we witnessed growing up and/or the beliefs we have acquired through cultural and social norms for instance.  The form and quality of the relationship we had to our deceased loved one, the way they died, and what is currently taking place in our life will also affect our grieving.  In short, the way we grieve will vary throughout our life and will depend on where we are in life, what we have lost, and what we have left unresolved and/or unacknowledged from prior losses.

Unfortunately, a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding related to what grief and the grieving process are exists.  Some of the misperceptions have created ‘myths’ around grief and grieving.  It is important to be able to distinguish between the myth and the reality in order to more effectively work through pain and suffering from a major loss.  Understanding the grieving process allows us to move through it in healthier ways that include appropriate and helpful coping strategies that foster healing rather than create more obstacles needing to be overcome later in life.

Being self-aware of how we are responding/reacting to major loss can significantly help us through difficulties.  Self-inquiry and reflection are a means to developing self-awareness, which can help orient us to hidden dimensions of our grief.  Sometimes we misidentify our grief experience by labeling it as irritability, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, etc.  Through self-awareness, we can gain insight into our grief.  This can lead to embracing alternative perspectives, acquiring greater self-understanding as well as compassion and tolerance towards ourselves for our predicament.

Reaction to our loss may bring about complicating aspects that prolong our journey and make it particularly challenging.  Regret can surface spawning guilt, ambivalence well up yielding confusion, or anger may emerge ushering in a sense of awkwardness and surprise.  In order to effectively manage our grief, we need to allow for its fullest expression, which sometimes include feelings such as rage, numbness, detachment, or relief.

When identifying and labeling our unique responses to loss, it is essential we give ourselves permission to feel and experience whatever is coming up at any given moment.  Acknowledge and honor, for instance, any indifference, mixed feelings, relief, or seemingly inappropriate behaviors such as irritability, impatience, laughter, or sense of relief.  These are all common aspects of the grieving process that reflect the complexity of the journey.

When we are unable to authentically accept and embrace all the various responses to significant loss, we create blocks which inhibit our grief recovery.  New and difficult dimensions to grieving may arise that could prolong and intensify pain and create unnecessary suffering.  Our judgments and beliefs around appropriateness of expression can and will restrict us from finding our way to peace and resolution. Without authentic expression we can become trapped in unresolved feelings around the loss.

Transforming our grief is intense work which takes time, patience, intention, compassion for ourselves, and a commitment to stay the course on a challenging trek.  Yet, the reward of our hard labor can free us to experience life more fully with a fuller range of access to emotions and memories.  It is important to have ways of holding loss in a healthy manner in order to move forward. For instance, grieving a death lose in a health way allows us to stay connected to memories that nurture and sustain us, enhancing rather than depleting the quality of our life.

Moreover, memorializing our loved one by doing something for others, developing a talent, or embodying within ourselves a noble quality they possessed facilitates our staying connected.  Such actions bring meaning into our lives.  And finding new or renewed meaning is crucial to accommodating loss, which allows us to maintain a living relationship with our loved one.

Honoring the relationship to our loved one through ritual or a memorial assists us in gaining closure with respect to a particular aspect of the relationship; i.e., its symbolic form.  The essential nurturing aspect of our relationship remains when we are ready.  We begin to experience the relationship we held with our loved one differently yet not ended.  In other words, it continues to live inside us to the degree we remain open to remembering shared experiences and giving ourselves permission to remember even when it makes us feel sad.  Sometimes, feeling sad (not in the sense of self-pity) is not only okay, it is healthy.  Grief connects us to our humanity and to others.

 

Multi-Media RESOURCES – An Invitation for Releasing & Reconnecting via Art through Cinema.

Music and images offer a medium through which we can express and communicate feelings. The few multimedia samples provided below are intended to facilitate connection with pent-up emotions, buried memories, and forgotten pieces of ourselves. They may or may not speak to your feelings. Music and imagery coupled together can create remembrance and convey powerful messages that relate to the heart/mind.  However, they are an art form, and art, though a universal form of expression and communication, also evokes a unique experience for each of us.  It may speak to one person’s perception but not to another’s.

If the suggested audiovisual resources do not evoke feeling, that does not necessarily mean something is wrong.  So much of art is a matter of preference.  If you choose to view these pieces and they do not speak to you, other forms of art and nonverbal expression will.  Seek out a variety of artforms as a way to remember and release during the grieving process – when the time is right (always consider the timing that works best for you).  A few clips are from films, one of which, Shadowlands, is based on a real-life event related to C.S. Lewis’ death loss.  Though the film is a derivative of a significant life event ,the scenes portray reactions that are authentic.  For real-life expressions and experiences related to death loss and other major forms of loss, I recommend that you consider viewing a couple excellent documentaries on the topic of loss through illness and death.

1. Secrets of Living and Dying
2. Gifts of Grief

As always, be mindful of your state of mind and mood.  Create a space of non-interruption, sit quietly for a moment, and breathe into the silence until you feel centered before viewing.  Afterwards, if the viewing speaks to you, write in a journal, engage in dialogue with a loved one, or simply sit with your feelings and thoughts.  Review the comments section on any listed YouTube videos if so inclined to see how other viewers experience the video through their own thoughts and feelings.

• Grief – A universal experience – short audio PowerPoint
• Shadowlands – Ending ( loss, grief, and transformation)
• Prince of Tides – Symbolic Loss in the form of Loss of Trust & Safety, Abandonment

 

REFLECTIVE-MOOD MUSIC

• Fields of Gold – Remembrance
• The Pearl Fishers – ( mid-19th century)
• Between Worlds – Contemplative

 

GRIEF RELATED BOOKS

• Necessary Losses – Loss as part of the deal of being human and growing
• A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis’ reflections on losing his wife to cancer (Shadowlands is the movie made from his experience)
• Unattended Sorrow – Stephen Levine on the losses of life and need to acknowledge and process.

 

GRIEF SUPPORT WEBSITES

• CENTER FOR GRIEF RECOVERY AND THERAPEUTIC SERVICES – Good resource with many grief related websites for all kinds of presenting loss
• Bereavement list of resources in the Support group section entitled Grief Resources – click [here]

 

GRIEF COUNSELING SERVICES

Available upon request…ongoing grief support groups as well as presentations, workshops, and special facilitated events are among the forms of support provided through this website.  Contact this site for details.  Or you may choose to review under services -> groups,  and or… services->workshops/events.  You can also click [here] to view a calendar of events.

 

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

A Lighter Moment – The Pillsbury Doughboy Dies